Shootin the Ishh: Jayme's Rhymes and Ramblings

A TRUE favorite of mine: Shihan reads a poem of his on the first season of Def Poetry Jam (episode 2)

This Type Love
by Shihan

I want a love like me
thinking of you
thinking of me
thinking of you type love,
or me telling my friends more than I've ever admitted to
myself about how I feel about you type love,
or hating how jealous you are, but loving how much you
want me all to your self type love,
or seeing how your first name just sounds so good next to
my last name,
and shit, I wanted to see how far I could get without
calling you, and I barely made it out of my garage.

See, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls
asleep then wonder if she dreaming about us being in love
type love,
or who loves the other more,
or what she's doing at this exact moment,
or slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the
music of our hearts, closing my eyes and imagining how a
love so good could just hurt so much when she not there.
Shit, I love not knowing where this love is headed type
love.

And check this, I want to place those little post-it notes
all around the house so she never forgets how much I love
her type love then not have enough ink in my pen to write
all there is to love about her type love.
Hope that I make her feel as good as she makes me feel,
and I want to deal with my friends making fun of me the
way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type love.


Only difference is this is one of those real love type
loves.
and just like in high school, I want to spend hours on the
phone with her not saying shit,
and then fall asleep and then wake up with HER right next
to me,
and smell her all up in my covers type love

I want to try to counting the ways I love her, and then
lose count in the middle just so that I have to start all
over again.
I want to celebrate one of those month anniversaries even
though they ain't really anniversaries, but doin' it just
cause it makes her happy type love.

And check this, I want fall in love with the melody the
phone plays when her number is dialed in to her type loves
and then talk to you til I lose my breathe, she leaves me
breathless, so with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all
of her back into me

I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone
calling plan to something that allows me to talk to her longer
because, in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high
cell phone bill type loves.

I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are
I mean the lines on my palms don't give me enough time to
love as long as I'd like to type loves,
and I want a love that makes me st-st-st-st-stutter just thinking
about how strong this love is type love.

I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair
Well, maybe not all of the hair
maybe just cut the split ends and trim my mustache, but
it will still be a symbol of how strong my love is for her.

And check this, I kinda feel comfortable now, so I can tell y'all this

I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green light just dying
to get hit by a car just so I could lose my memory
get transported to some third world country

just to get treated

then somehow meet up again with you so that I
could fall in love with you in a different language just
to see if it still feels the same type love.

I want a love that's as unexplainable as she is, but I'm
married, so she is going to be the one that I share this
love with.

Although I wrote this a couple of years ago...for some reason it still never fails to get me mentally prepared for any challenge that comes my way.


i gotta get on the come up
time to rise up and emerge from the shell
smell the roses and see the light
put up the fight to make things right
might... i be the one that needs to make this move
move toward content and peace to say the least
battle the beast that's been beating me for years
living shadowed by fears...tears that yearned the truth
i need a fresh start to a healthy heart
beating the right rhythms of blood...steady flow
to let me know that i am strong
wrong to presume that life has cheated me
depleted me of rights to vocalize
exercise my thoughts into known knowledge
i find it hard to believe that time stops us
flops us into a downward spin
look within and raise your chin
give respect to yourself cuz that's where it's due
its on you to do you and thats where i see me
let my light shine like the sun until my days are done
ready to step to the line...ready for war
ready to take the hit...ready for what's in store
catching a glimpse on the edge of anew
its a new year...what does it mean to you
time to shake it off...time to renew
time to find a peace...time to take the queue
grow like flowers under plowed gravel
motivate movement...let the mind travel
my friends...are you ready to submerge into the dive
only to resurface and know you're alive
survive insecurities and impurities of the past
drop all the grudges...keep the lessons that last
stand fast and grasp that of which matters
leave all the petty stuff to split and scatter
i can't wait until this battle is won
when we stand together and victory has begun
fists raised proud and tightly to the sky
the hint of warmth on my cheek as I cry
when happiness has triggered the ducts to flow
when the world sees the light of what i already know
its time...time to begin...5...4...3...2...1
we win.

Blinded by the sky beyond the clouds
scream out silent sounds
somethin is creepin with meaning so profound
i want to stare until its figure is found
as it reveals it steals me away from reality biting
senselessly nervous resort to nailbiting
though exciting i act as i look through the shaded window
tainted by the combination of dust and rain, i look again
i gain the ability to tear apart the gray
pull each shadow by its end
and make the sunshine my friend
inch by inch it unlocks its colors
while falling leaves stab me in the eye
i cry
but tears of stunned reaction
i lift up my hands in distraction
catch them as they fall with no direction
i see my reflection in the glare of his sunglasses
sweet as black cherry molasses
i squint and salute my eyebrows to glimpse what the sun brought in
the figure awaited/anticipated/and again
i see myself in the glare
i stare and watch the sparkle of my eye
die with one wisp of your soft thumb
im numb.
knees shaking as i fall to the ground and you catch me
enwrapped me/grasped me from my declining presence
your essence is now my savior
illuminate behavior that keeps life to stay pure.
JE

what is this world comin' to?
i can't stand the tripped out situations
mutations of what is supposed to be
the future we're supposed to see
growin' up to witness dying
lying and never trying to raise up
give up the shelter of your pillow
let go and look what lies yonder
come up with alternatives/make the choice
handle your business/utilize your voice
challenge who restrict your freedom
choose your own direction
passion and play/find that connection
compilation of goals made realistic
simplistic in style but keep it artistic
step by step
that's how we need to get it
motivation to find, that is our mission
rid broken dreams and lost visions
clean slates is what we need
be the positive and take heed
take the initiative and stand up
refuse to nurture lazy asses
its time to alert the masses
break the ceilings of glasses
there's nothing to stop you
the mission is cut clear
fear is only failure to captivity
denies your activity
towards downward mobility
humility is what to strive for
better to do than just to see
follow the dream to reign supreme.

JE

Like all normal human beings, I've been on both ends of lie. What I've failed to really take the time to think about...is... now this can get confusing...but let's try this example:

Imagine a cat and a mouse, who have an intentionally lifelong bond for whatever their reasons may be. One day the cat decides to lie to the mouse.

If the cat lies to the mouse...

Does it cross the cat's mind - what if the mouse knows the truth the whole time and is just observing how far the cat will take the lie? Does the cat automatically think that just because things seem normal with the mouse, that's all that matters and they've gotten away with it? Or does the cat ever think to itself, if the mouse knew the truth and just took all the lies in, how painful it can be to have something silently eating away at the mouse? how would the cat feel?

OK, before I confuse anyone further than I already might have...I just felt the need to express my frustration about people who think they are slick enough to lie about something when in actuality they aren't.

I'm no expert and obviously I am not a pulse monitoring lie detecting machine. I have, however, been taught by trained professionals how to observe a person's speech, body movements, responses, etc. in order to determine whether or not a person is lying. I've also read many studies about lie detection and have watched actual footage of real criminal interrogations to help develop my detection skills. To this day, I'm not sure if I mentioned to anyone the extent of how much I've studied this...or whether it mattered to anyone or not. As an HR Manager, one of my main responsibilities is to handle employee relations issues. You wouldn't believe the issues that have been brought to my attention, some sad, some easy, some irritating, and some can be completely fucked up! To deal with these cases, I've learned that you have to have thick skin, impartial attitude, and good judgment of both character and actions. In other words, if an employee or a manager is trying to swing something shady...I want to do all that I can to make sure that doesn't happen. Anyway, enough about that. I'm just really sick of being lied to. Most of the time, people lie to me about things they have no reason to lie about! Maybe I'm the mouse wondering if the cats who lie to me know or even care what I could possibly be thinking. What I do know is that I've managed to not expect people to think one way or the other. I'll just wait and see I guess. In any case, allow me to drop some thoughts of mine about it...

Have u ever looked into a persons eyes
And see the kind of proof you fear?
There’s just no way in hell to disguise
Lies...projected on your face…clear

Like crystal it’s heard in crisp detail

Why is the subject of truth a constant fail-

Ure lack of interest to have a clean conscience

You watch as I deteriorate, weaken, become nauseous

Listen to you spit lies when you think you got me?

Shit, I’d never bet on your undercover ability

You forgot I’m skilled, trained to judge one’s character

Investigate daily, watching for devil’s messengers

Fabricate reasons to create diversions from fact
Been around too many, too easy to call your act

Common excuses ring constant, making me deaf

Body language is textbook…face it…you got no truth left

Sometimes I wonder how it possibly feels

Have the nerve to lie even before the last one heals

Forreal? I plead daily, “MAY NO ONE FUCK ME OVER”

Yet I’m helpless like a straight inmate forced to bend over

If that thought never dawned on you, I hope it haunts you each day

If you can live with that sight, to hell for your soul, I’ll pray.

If I was an enemy or stranger, who’d expect you to care?

The fact is I’m not. You just choose to push me there.

-Jayme E.

Seems like emotions tend to circle back to you...even the ones that you wish would just stay away and never turn back. What can we do? Here's one that I wrote from June of 2008. Although it's one from my past, it's continuing to make appearances in my present.

Tick tock goes the clock
First it was months then turned into weeks followed by days and transitioned into hours
Intervals decreasing to where paranoia takes its toll on me
I've dreaded this moment that I've tried so hard to block out of all life expectancies
Practiced then mastered the art of dodging the notion, the reality I will soon have to accept
At any given point in my life I'd have to confront this demon that I've prayed redemption from
My lasting defense mechanisms have failed me and my power has been taken
Memories now bleed slowly
Each drop of red signifying love that seeps away from my veins
Beating by a different flow from a varied heartbeat
Melodies once originated in me now escaped

Tick tick tick and its getting closer
Although I run I can't run for others
Mind only of its own it chooses premeditated directions
Burning its way through my delicate state
Hitting me while my high faces the floor
No understanding of the timing to which it strikes
It demonstrates the anticipated while vulnerability has no influence
Fragile to say the least and the least is where my tolerance hangs in limbo
I watch the sun and moon exchange positions hoping that each movement will be spared from interruption
Why can't I hold on to the rarity that keeps me sane
Rather I have to watch it disappear slowly by each second its on my mind.

One day I'll make it to the top/beyond pillars that lead to Greek goddesses/outside of the realm that surrounds the invented/my dream of victory will come/second to none/no less than one/of a kind that can never be duplicated/inebriated in the pool of guilty pleasure/the measure of what a person can develop/create/uphold/renovate/to facets of no other/to be a mother of great genres/I want to be that woman/who is revered to as royalty of her trade/self made/ and not afraid/one day I will surpass the roar of a well packed stadium/with the strength of full forced radium/I will be able to fly through monarch butterflies/with open eyes/and joyful cries/where my newfound destination is within attainable glory/where I can tell my story/to motivate and procreate/expand the slate of those who think there are limits to their capabilities/explore escaped abilities/through realistic imaginations/to be able to tear through glass ceilings/passive feelings of traditional pinay/I ask myself why? do I fail automatic?I need to fight static so I'll throw in a Bounce sheet/increase the heat and tumble dry the sculpted tear trails already engraved on my face/scramble the scars of defeat and press it into laughing wrinkles/sprinkles of special dust with magical powers/climbing towers as I set up my peak to proclaim that I have finally won/but I'll never be done/I'll fight until my limbs can't take it/believe in truth for there's no way to fake it/because one day I swear I'll make it.