Shootin the Ishh: Jayme's Rhymes and Ramblings

As much as a person sets out to improve their life in one way or another, there are always those days when doubt looms so densely, that the outlook for the future isn't as bright as it once was. If someone were to ask me if I was ever in that situation, I'd be the first to admit that I am one of those, struggling to keep my head above water. If it's human nature to make mistakes throughout life...shit, I'm as human as they get.

I am so determined to obtain self acceptance, self sufficiency and independence. But man, I have my weak moments. If it's late at night and I can't shake some sort of issue or dilemma that I'm faced with for some reason...I get so jaded that I can't even sort out my own thoughts even if I wanted to. Then beyond that, I'm disappointed that no one is there to help me sort them out. Anyone who really knows me, knows that I'm a nocturnal person. I sleep late and wake up late because I do my best thinking after dark. With that said...when my thoughts are actually able to process...the rest of the world is sleeping so there's no one to talk to. OK, so I know one other nocturnal person however she happens to be IMPOSSIBLE to get a hold of...and I mean IMPOSSIBLE. By the time I wake up the next morning, the intensity of my thoughts will have mellowed out to the point where I just don't give a fuck anymore. It's really a sad cycle.

So, let's just say that this is one of those times. I have so much on my mind right now...cluttered beyond repair. And boy do I hate clutter. I keep my environment organized and clutter free to ensure that my brain will be the same. But yeah...nothing can protect me right now. I have thoughts that I wish I could just forget. Like, I really don't want to give a fuck about stuff but I just do. It's not my fault when things unexpectedly trigger memories...and instantly I'm enraged to tears. Then what? Tears fuel anger. Now what? What am I supposed to do? Call ghostbusters? Fuck that. I hate my state of being right now and I wouldn't wish it on other people. I wish I felt my guardian angel's presence a lot more. Maybe that way I wouldn't feel like I had to watch my own back at all times. I'd be able to let some guards down because although it may not seem like it...i'm at maximum security lock down right now. And like it sounds...it's real lonely and sad to be held in your own captivity.

Thoughts of mine that drive me insane:
What the hell am I doing? Is whatever I am doing now going to benefit me in the future? Like realistically speaking...am I just wasting my time? Is it all worth the blood, sweat and tears...worth the time and money, the sacrifices the compromises...it is somehow going to pay off? Is it asking too much for even a fraction of assurance?

I HATE people that don't respect the term "relationship" in all aspects relating to it. Whether it be a manager/employee relationship, parental/sibling relationship, romantic relationship, platonic relationship...whatever the case...do the world a favor and make sure that you are mature and honest enough and willing to work the hardest you've ever worked to keep something strong together. I'd like to extend a huge FUCK YOU accompanied with a knee to your face to:
Managers that fuck over their own employees because of their own selfish paranoia...who think that they can manipulate the system and assume that their employees aren't educated enough to see what's really going on. During times like this when the economy is struggling...you better believe it's going to be a "survival of the fittest" mentality in the workplace. It is a Manager's responsibility to ensure that the game is played fairly and impartially without using their seniority as a means to drive their employees to insanity.

Liars, Adulterers (oh yeah and that includes people who are technically married but having marital problems who feel like committing adultery would be a good way to get back at their spouse or gain the attention that they aren't getting from their spouse.) Either get a divorce or suck it up! and if there are kids involved... well you can just go right straight to fuckin HELL. i hope your kid(s) don't learn by example from what their parent(s) do. Let's not forget the outside party who gets involved with a married person. I got one perfect word for people like you. KARMA. Not to mention the Golden Rule..."Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" I guess you wouldn't mind if someone else was having sexual relations with your wife or husband.

Other irritations: People who smack their mouths while they chew or eat while talking. People that don't pick up after themselves. People that assume. \People that use the government or the military as a solution instead of putting in the hard work to get yourself ahead in life. People that have cell phone but never answer them or ignore text messages that are clearly either urgent or alarming. People that complain have to complain about something even if no one else cares, regardless if it puts someone in a difficult situation. They have the "I'm not willing to adjust...you'll just have to keep adjusting and adjusting and adjusting until I'm happy. Otherwise complain complain complain" type of attitude. People that intentionally continue to do something even after they are asked to stop. No means NO. People who are not thoughtful. Fakers. Mosquitos. People who can't/don't/won't understand how a person can be Arachnaphobic. It means that someone who has Arachnaphobia, such as myself, is DEATHLY afraid of spiders therefore its not something to take lightly.